How to Deal with a Controlling Mother-in-Law and Set Boundaries in Your Marriage

“I Felt Like a Guest in My Own Marriage” – A Client’s Story

During one of my coaching sessions, Thandi (not her real name) sat across from me, eyes brimming with unshed tears. She took a deep breath before speaking.

"Yvonne, I feel like a guest in my own marriage. My mother-in-law treats me like an outsider, constantly criticizing how I cook, clean, and even how I care for my own children. When we visit her, she orders me around like I’m a helper, not her son’s wife. And my husband? He says, ‘Just ignore her—she doesn’t mean any harm.’”

Her voice cracked. “I don’t want to destroy my marriage, but I can’t live like this. I feel invisible, like I don’t matter.”

Thandi’s story is one I’ve heard countless times. Many married women find themselves in a silent battle with their mother-in-law, struggling to navigate a complex web of cultural expectations, family loyalty, and emotional manipulation.

But here’s the truth: You don’t have to tolerate disrespect to keep the peace.

This guide will show you why some mothers-in-law behave this way, why many wives allow it, and how to set firm boundaries while keeping your marriage intact.

📌 Related Article: How to Deal with In-Laws That Disrespect You as a Wife

Why Do Some Mothers-in-Law Become Controlling?

A controlling mother-in-law often operates from a place of fear, insecurity, or outdated beliefs about marriage and family roles. Here are some common reasons:

1. Fear of Losing Her Son

For many mothers, especially in tight-knit cultural settings, a daughter-in-law feels like a threat rather than an addition to the family.

💬 "I raised him, I sacrificed for him, and now he belongs to another woman?"

This fear manifests as controlling behaviors, from guilt-tripping to constant criticism.

2. Cultural and Generational Expectations

In many African, Asian, and Middle Eastern cultures, marriage is not just about two people—it’s a union between families. Traditionally, wives are expected to serve, respect, and “earn” their place. A mother-in-law may see herself as the authority figure, believing it’s her right to “train” you into the perfect wife.

3. Insecurity and Need for Control

A mother-in-law who was unhappy in her own marriage may subconsciously project her frustrations onto her son’s marriage. If she was a submissive wife, she might expect you to do the same.

💡 Related Article: How to Get Your Husband to Open Up Emotionally

Why Do Married Women Allow Their Mothers-in-Law to Dominate Them?

Many women tolerate disrespect and emotional abuse from their mothers-in-law because of deep-seated fears and societal conditioning:

1. Fear of Being Labeled a ‘Bad Wife’

Women are often told that “a good wife is patient” and “respects her husband’s family no matter what”. Speaking up is sometimes seen as disrespectful, even when the mother-in-law is clearly in the wrong.

2. Wanting to Keep the Marriage Intact

Some women fear that if they challenge their mother-in-law, their husband will side with his mother, causing strain in the marriage.

3. Believing ‘Things Will Get Better’

Many wives hope that if they stay quiet and “prove themselves”, the mother-in-law will eventually accept them. Unfortunately, this rarely happens—disrespect only stops when you set clear boundaries.

💡 Related Article: Improving Communication in Marriage

How to Set Boundaries Without Destroying Family Relationships

If your mother-in-law is controlling, you must set boundaries—for your sanity, your marriage, and your self-respect.

1. Have a Private Conversation with Your Husband

Before addressing his mother, make sure your husband understands and supports you.

💬 “I love your mother, but I feel disrespected when she [specific behaviour]. I need you to help me set boundaries so we can have a healthier family dynamic.”

✔️ Avoid Blame – Use “I” statements.
✔️ Offer Solutions – Suggest what he can do to help.
✔️ Acknowledge His Struggle – Many men feel torn between their mother and their wife.

2. Set Firm Boundaries with Your Mother-in-Law

Once you and your husband are aligned, communicate your boundaries clearly.

🚫 If She Criticizes Your Parenting → “I appreciate your advice, but my husband and I have made our parenting decisions together.”
🚫 If She Makes You Feel Unwelcome → “I would love for us to have a warm relationship, but respect is important to me.”
🚫 If She Tries to Control Your Household → “I understand you have your way of doing things, but this is our home, and we make decisions together.”

📌 External Resource: Psychology Today: 5 Strategies to Cope with Toxic Family Members

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

1. What if my husband refuses to stand up to his mother?

This is common but fixable. Help him understand that standing by his wife doesn’t mean abandoning his mother—it simply means protecting his marriage.

2. How do I stop feeling guilty for setting boundaries?

Remind yourself that boundaries are not acts of disrespect—they are acts of self-care. You can be kind while still refusing to accept mistreatment.

3. Can I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law after setting boundaries?

Yes! Healthy boundaries often improve relationships because they create mutual respect rather than resentment.

4. What if my mother-in-law turns the family against me?

This is manipulation, and you are not responsible for how others react to your self-respect. Stand firm, and over time, the people who truly care about you will see the truth.

Final Thoughts: Protecting Your Marriage Starts With You

You deserve peace in your marriage. If your mother-in-law constantly undermines you, it’s time to set boundaries without guilt.

💡 Are you tired of feeling unheard and disrespected?

👉 Book a 1:1 Relationship Coaching Session to learn how to set boundaries, communicate confidently, and reclaim your place in your marriage.

Let’s work together to create the loving, respectful marriage you deserve. 💛

📌 External Resource: The Gottman Institute: Navigating the Holidays with your In-Laws